Thappad is more than a slap, it portrays the imbalance in marriage

Few movies manage to move you, and make you think and introspect. Fewer movies manage to show a mirror to society, and Thappad ticks both the boxes. This movie touched my ‘rooh’.

Let me first give a disclaimer: I am not doing a review of the movie, I don’t know that much about movies, there are far more knowledgeable people to do that.

Thappad ‘shook’ me, as the kids say these days. It’s such a beautifully made movie, and has characters which everyone will relate to. When you see the trailer, many dismissed it, saying, ‘What is this, it’s just a slap, how can someone give divorce for a slap’, well, I have news for you, it’s so much more than that.

While the movie focuses on Taapsee’s character, it also shows you the stories of different women, and their life struggles. While Taapsee is shaken after one single slap, her maid gets beaten up by her husband daily. It’s funny that Amu (Taapsee) doesn’t flinch when her maid narrates stories of her getting beaten up daily.

That slap basically awakens Amu to everything that she has been putting up with, because, that’s what ‘women’ do, and that’s what her mother and mother in law teach her. When she decides to file for a divorce, even her lawyer, a privileged educated woman in a bad marriage, advises her to adjust. Her divorce wakes up the lawyer also to the realities of her marriage and makes her realise that she need not put up with her misogynistic husband, that she too can be happy.

I just loved Amu’s father, played by the brilliant Kumud Mishra, and her mother, the indomitable Ratna Pathak Shah. Every girl will relate to Kumud’s characterisation, you will all see a reflection of your father in him. He is the only one who totally supports his daughter’s decision from the beginning. But in a beautiful twist, they show, that he too isn’t perfect. He too never asked his wife about her dreams, and assumed that she was happy in domesticity.

In one of the best scenes of the movie, in which Amu speaks to her mother in law ( Tanvi Azmi), she confronts her for not supporting Amu when she was slapped. She says I was just your daughter in law all this while, wasn’t I, nothing more than your son’s wife, if you would have loved me as a person, you would have come and supported me. The mother in law and mother, and other people, tell Amu that you have to tolerate, you have to adjust.

This is what most women are told right? You must give in, learn to adjust, that’s how life is, and it’s all about give and take. But why aren’t men told the same thing? Why is it always the woman that must give in, always? So much so that she loses who she is. That’s what the movie really focuses on, in a beautiful way.

Instead of giving her son 1 slap and asking him to apologise, the mother in law asks Amu to come back to the party, because, ‘Log Kya Kahenge’.

Of course, there are men who are good, and women who are bad. It’s basically the intrinsic patriarchal notions that most girls and boys are raised with. We live with these notions throughout life and pass it on to the future generations. Like in the movie, both Amu’s mother and mother in law had dreams, but they put them on hold, and changed their entire lives to suit their husband and children. At the end of the day, as Amu says, we all want just some respect, and happiness.

As a woman, and a married one at that, the scene where Amu is slapped, gave me goosebumps. It left me dumbstruck. What would you do, if your husband, in front of his boss, family and friends, slapped you? The same husband who has become your entire life, who you decided to become a housewife for, with whom you have dreamt of a future, for whom you are ready to move to another country. For him, you are just a person who he can take out his work frustration on. I was a little disappointed with the characterisation of the husband, I wish we could have seen his emotions and thoughts a bit more. We just see a different side to him at the end.

The scenes of self-discovery of the lawyer, maid are beautifully shot. While many of us fight to work, all this maid wants to do, is stay at home and take care of her house. The scene in which she hits her husband is cathartic, to say the least.

But the last scene, after they get the divorce, will bring a tear to your eye. Whatever it be, separating after a marriage is not easy, and you might find yourself wishing that it didn’t happen.  After Rishi Kapoor’s death, there was a lot of talk about how he was an abusive husband to Neetu. While I don’t believe in talking ill about people after their death, my friend put out a very relevant line. She said, in India, most marriages only end in death. While it may seem comfortable to adjust and ‘tolerate’ your spouse, the fact is that divorces are a messy and emotionally draining affair. But, no person, be it woman or man, must put up with a toxic relationship, or violence. No means No.

I hope this movie makes people teach their children correct lessons, that everyone deserves respect and happiness.

Having grown up in a progressive household, I saw my thatha and paati discuss finance together, and my mother and father too. I always assumed that women usually handle finance in the house, but growing up made me realise the harsh realities of this world. Even in this lockdown, instead of sharing domestic duties, cases of domestic violence have gone up.

I must add here, that I felt sadistic glee when Amu’s husband (Pavail Gulati) wants to make chai but didn’t know where the tea leaves are.

I am lucky to be married to a man who has been taught well by his mother. I hope all mothers raise their sons like she did.

My friend shared a beautiful quote after reading my article, which I would like to end with,

‘Never speak of marriage as an achievement. Find ways to make clear to her that marriage is not an achievement, nor s to what she would aspire to. A marriage can be happy or unhappy, but it is not an achievement. We condition girls to aspire to marriage, and so there is already a terrible imbalance at the start. The girls will grow up to be women preoccupied with marriage. The boys will not. The women marry those men. The relationship is automatically uneven because the institution matters more to one than the other,” from Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie’s book.

 

A Year in Tiruchy

I still remember the day clearly: 31^st March, 2019. I had a knot in my stomach as I boarded the flight from Mumbai to Trichy. It was like a ‘second bidaai’ for me. I had gone through these same emotions as I walked across my society, saw my house for the last time, once in 2015, before I tied the knot. Here I was, 4 years later, feeling the same way again. A wave of sadness and anguish engulfed me. How many people get the opportunity to live in the same society as their parents? It was the best of both worlds for me – I was having my cake, and eating it too.

But, I had to move, after all, we are bound together for life, and I most definitely didn’t want to be in a long distance marriage. The flight to Trichy was in itself an adventure and warrants its own separate story. The flight from Chennai to Trichy was delayed by over 5 hours, and most people took a refund and left. We were just 4 people on the flight, it felt like my own private chartered flight that welcomed me to Trichy.

A gust of hot wind and heat, like I had never experienced before, welcomed me to the city that would be home for a few years. The initial month was a difficult one, I didn’t have a job in hand, and no friends or family. I would keep myself busy by setting up the house and applying for jobs. I did get a job by the end of the month, but I couldn’t join until June 1^st because of another curveball.

Prashaant got sick and was in the hospital for a few days from May 6, a day I will never be able to forget. Because of that, I postponed my joining date, and became stronger (with an added gift of more grey hair on my head than my age can warrant).

Even after the worst storm, the sun shines again. June 1^st spelt a new beginning – a new day in a new office. It was at this new office that I came in contact with that mythical creature called a ‘good boss’. And I don’t mean it sarcastically, I was appreciated, given full freedom, and allowed to grow. The words ‘good job’ from my boss was music to my ears. When I got my first byline on June 7^th, my joy knew no bounds- 13 year old Sowmya’s dream had come true.

Come October, the edition that I worked on, City Express, shut down. Was I about to lose my job?- No. I was going to work for the main edition (Yaay).  Words of encouragement from my boss kept me going.

Working as a reporter and interacting with people, especially the less privileged has opened my eyes and changed my worldview. I have learnt the true meaning of empathy. One of the stories that really touched me was of a girl who won a trip to NASA, but was unable to afford it. How many of us have the talent to win such trips, and if we do, would money ever be a deterrent? Another story of how women are sent to live in a separate room in the village during their periods- makes your life problems seem miniscule.

While we sit and complain about missing our much planned vacations, there are people starving on the road, unable to go home, or sustain themselves without their daily wage.

Being in Tiruchy has also brought out my inner chef. Most days include calls to amma, ranging from ‘how to cook jeera rasam’, to if I’m in a fancy mood, how to cook milagu kozhambu. Being in a different city also gives you the pleasure of hosting your parents. While you happily let mom take over the kitchen, it also allows you to see your parents in a new light.

Being in a new city allows you to meet new characters, and learn something new. Even working in an office full of men is a new experience. But the kindness of your boss and colleagues makes it all worth it. I’ve had a chance to host my in laws, and several other relatives, who usually wouldn’t come to Mumbai.

Quite frankly, I hated the thought of moving to this new city, and leaving my beloved Mumbai behind. When Prashaant told me that he was being posted in Trichy, my world came crashing down (I know, it’s very dramatic, but that’s what I felt).

A year later, I wouldn’t trade this experience for anything. It has made me more confident and resilient. Of course, given a chance, I would run back to Mumbai in a heartbeat. After all, no phone call can equal seeing your parents daily, and no city can equal Mumbai’s hustle, and no food can match apna street food.

But, if Prashaant could move to Mumbai for me, it is only fair on my part to move when his career demands it.

For now, I’m soaking in the sights of Tamil Nadu and know that I’ll be excited to move to the next city that Prashaant will get transferred to, *conditions apply: metros only*

 

 

Chai, coffee and conversations.

Day before yesterday, there was a power cut in college at 1 in the morning. We were all highly irritated and swore to go and take up this matter with the college authorities. We wanted a generator.
Next morning, I went to have tea at my favourite tea shop near college. Akka served me tea with a smile on her face.I asked her about the power cut and she laughed. I work without fan all day my dear, she told me.Meeting such people really puts your problems in perspective.
Renuka, fondly called Akka, is running this tea shop with her husband since the last 4 years.They serve cigarrettes,coffee,omelettes ,vadas and the best adrak waali chai.Located in between many colleges,it is always swarming with students.Endless conversations happen here ranging from movies to boyfriends to intellectual discussions too!Open from 6 in the morning till 12 at night, this shop is home for Renuka’s children as well.
Her life revolves around her two children, Gomati and Cheran. They are adored by all her customers too.
She hails from a village near Kancheepuram . Her father’s untimely death led to her mother becoming the bread winner of the family.She grew up farming. She says that even today, she would love to farm. She says it is not as hectic as this business and you know how much you’re going to earn at the end of the day.
Making an omelette, she tells me that they had started serving chicken few months back.However, since there are many food outlets nearby , it didn’t work well. Akka never complains. Her face will never show you the huge debt burden they are under.
Her husband had a failed business before this. All their income goes in paying back the loan and the house rent.
Her children make her the happiest. As she studied only till class 9, she says that she will make sure that her children complete their education.
If you are near Taramani and want to have something hot, make sure you visit Akka’s shop .

DMK says no SOPS this election!

“No SOPs this election”,said Mr.T.K.S. Elangovan, Organization Secretary of the DMK.Elections in Tamil Nadu have been fought and won on the basis of SOPs for many years now. The DMK is promising development this time.in conversation with Mr. Elangovan,about the manifesto for 2016 Tamil Nadu elections.

“We are going to focus on development this time,not sops.We will rationalise sops.Our focus is on socio-economic development.”, Mr. Elangovan added.

Their focus is going to be on women welfare and education.he added that only the needy would receive Sops,if any.They want to use sops as a tool to bridge the gap between the haves and havenots.

When asked about the talks about prohibition, he said that prohibition is the need of the hour. He feels that young girls and boys have started drinking and that needs to be stopped.

Demanded for Prohibition at Women’s Rally in Kancheepuram. DMK will make it happen in 2016! pic.twitter.com/HNarpvvtFI

— M.K.Stalin (@mkstalin) August 22, 2015

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Prohibition was implemented in Tamil Nadu in 1974 and subsequently lifted.Interstingly, it was lifted by the DMK. When asked about what is different this time around,he said that alcohol has spoilt the fabric of society.He was very specific about the fact that schoolgirls have started drinking.

Excise on liquour amounts to Rs.25000 crore,forming a major source of income for the Tamil Nadu Government.Mr.Elangovan says that although prohibition will cause a major loss of revenue,they are more concerned about the social evil that it is causing.

When asked about alliances,he said that the DMK is open to alliance with all parties that are against the AIADMK.They would announce the alliance in January.

No Sops in Tamil Nadu is a refreshing change,hopefully the DMK adheres to it.

Ban-istan!

Dear Government,

We voted for you thinking that you were progressive, tolerant and pro development. Sadly, all you seem to have done in the past year in office is show that you are pro-ban. Also, when did we become a “Hindu” nation? Does being a Hindu nation mean that you have zero respect for the other religions?

Recently, the Somnath temple in Gujarat has banned entry of non-Hindus without permission from the trustees.  Guess who the trustees of this temple are- PM Narendra Modi and L K Advani.

“Shree Somnath Jyotirling is a pilgrimage for Hindus. Non-Hindus will have to obtain permission from General Manager’s Office (of the temple) to enter the sacred pilgrim-place,” said a notice put up by temple authorities at the main entrance gate.

I am genuinely baffled by this.

Let’s also take a look at some other bans imposed by you and your State Governments:

1. Porn Ban: You banned around 857 porn sites. So, the government will decide what we see, in the privacy of our homes.

2. The famous Beef Ban in Maharashtra: Another ban supposedly because we are a “Hindu” state. The ban on cow slaughter has been opposed for a long time now. Dr. Verghese Kurien,states in his autobiography “It was important for us in the dairy business to keep weeding out the unhealthy cows so that available resources could be utilised for healthy and productive cattle. I was prepared to go as far as to allow that no useful cow should be killed.”

3. Fifty Shades of grey : This movie was banned because it was “vulgar”.

4. Bad words: The Central Board of Film Certification banned a list of 28 cuss words and prohibited their use in films. The ban was lifted later after great uproar.

5. Wait for it, the most ridiculous one, Lingerie mannequins in Shop windows, in Maharashtra: The Maharashtra Government feels that lingerie mannequins “incite men to rape”. City council member Ritu Tawde said that,” “Men get provoked by mannequins. After all, a mannequin is a replica of a woman’s body,”Ah, the famous “Indian culture” line.

You want to control what we eat, watch, listen, and where we go. All these bans violate Article 21, our Right to Personal Liberty.

The beef ban affects farmers, as they can’t sell off their cattle and would have to spend it on the upkeep of sick cattle.

How does banning porn and mannequins prevent rape? We are the land of the Kamasutra. Banning in no way helps in preventing anything. First of all, porn doesn’t lead to rape. Just for a moment, let us accept the Government’s twisted point of view. Why not take serious steps to prevent rape, say, by having stricter laws and punishments for rapists? Why not educate people about rape and how it is a very heinous crime?Why not set a precedent by punishing rapists instead of telling that “women should dress properly” ?

Only education can help change mentalities. Bans are regressive.

Coming back to the Somnath temple ban, Hinduism is supposed to be a very tolerant religion. Religious tolerance must be practiced by the state.  How are you hurting anyone by entering a temple? Shouldn’t everyone be allowed to enter places of worship?

We voted for you, dear BJP , because you promised development. All you have done in the past 15 months is pass regressive bans. You really have no right to decide what we can and can’t watch, eat or browse. These are basic liberties that we have. Please stop making our decisions for us.

Focus on what you promised and change your sick mentality.

You will definitely not get our votes in 2019 if you don’t give us what you promised .

Sincerely,

Disgruntled voter

Why my Mumbai is still safe.

After the terrible gang rape in Mumbai, there’s national outrage and rightly so. Since the survivor is a journalist, hopefully this outrage will not die out. Mumbai is a city where even if a vehicle slightly grazes someone’s foot or car, that person has hell to pay , rape then, is hardly a thing we’ll let off easy.

Don’t think that I’m being too insensitive by saying that this does not mean that Mumbai is suddenly unsafe for women. It really irks me that people in Mumbai are suddenly “UNSAFE” and “HELPLESS” in this beautiful city.Should I tell you about the time when I was dropped home by a stranger after I fell off from my cycle or the time when my scooter ran out of petrol in the middle of nowhere and a guy gave me petrol from his own bike or the time when my friends were stranded in Peddar Road on the eve of the 26/11 blasts and people offered them shelter? I could go on and on about Mumbai’s generosity, its kindheartedness and it’s never say die spirit.

Coming back to the crime,one thing that will definitely deter men from committing such heinous crimes in the future is that these sick men should be punished.According to me and most of my friends, capital punishment is not the answer, castration in public is ! They must feel the pain that they have given someone – An eye for an eye. Unfortunately, it’s wishful thinking and will not happen but such extreme action will definitely serve as a deterrent to future crimes.

I could go on about my feelings on this so I’ll put my thoughts in points :

1. This national rage MUST NOT die out.
2. The police must be sensitized so that women feel comfortable to go report rapes to them. Almost 90% of the rapes in India go unreported in India for fear of stigmatization from society. Women must be encouraged to report crimes against them and proper healthcare and support must be provided. Although at large, instead of encouraging women we must be discouraging men from committing such crimes.
3. GIRLS!!!! Go to that goddamned self-defense workshop! It might not help you if 4-5 men come at you, but against a sole attacker, it will definitely help you.
4. It’s very nice to say that I’ll wear whatever I want, wherever I want but the problem is that Indian men haven’t evolved and many of them are misogynistic. And until they evolve, it’s probably a good idea to cover yourself up when you travel by trains and buses. Many of you may not like this and may think that I’m being too conservative but I’m just being practical. Wanna go clubbing? – Unless you’re traveling by car, it’s a good idea to cover up and go there and change into whatever you want.
5. This does not mean that all men are bad. Most of the men that I know feel the same outrage as we do. At the same time, there has to be a huge paradigm shift in the thinking of men, men who think that women are below them and want to hurt/ abuse/ show their superiority by heinous acts like rape/molestation etc. They must be brought up in such a way that they should treat women as equals and not x-ray scan a woman as she walks past him.
6. And yes ladies, next time a guy looks at you that way – just give him a really hard, cold stare. So that he knows that such behavior will not be tolerated. Period!!!
7. Those evil men MUST be taught a lesson. I’m sure the Mumbai Police will do that.

This does not mean that the city we all love, Mumbai is suddenly unsafe. Yes, we probably have to be a little careful but Mumbai is safe. People here are caring, loving and humane. Even at 11:30-12 at night, stations are crowded and the rickshaw and taxi-wallahs always take us home safely. I am saying all this from personal experience.

Let’s not let this incident tarnish the image of our beautiful city!Let’s punish these men so that no one else will commit such a dastardly act again!And as the Times of India pointed out today, let’s all call her a survivor and not a victim!

Also, and I can’t emphasize this enough; let’s stop being bystanders. Let’s stop helplessly watching any sort of crime. Let’s act. Let’s stop those evil men. Even a crime likes chain snatching; let’s catch hold of them. It’s time we take things into our own hands. Learn some self-defense/karate/ kickboxing. You can at-least use it to help somebody in trouble. And if someone cops a feel in the bus or train, just hit him or move away or give him a really cold state or all of the above. Just don’t stand there uncomfortably. Small drops make an ocean. It will make a difference. Believe me.

We are all capable of great change. So let’s kick some ass!

Kudos to that brave girl and hope she recovers soon!